I had a consultation with a family law attorney up near my office. I'm still a little stressed, so this may seem a bit scattered.
The thing that struck me was her reaction as I tried to explain my situation with the job. I had prepared for some sort of "What is wrong with you?" response. What I got instead was a look of disbelief about my wife. The reluctance to relocate, combined with the threat of separation, didn't add up to her.
She didn't buy the, "I'll lose my support network" defense my wife was peddling. I said it was tough for me to grasp as well. I had thought it might have something to do with my wife's upbringing, because relatives typically did not move far away. I also said that she seemed to have "an unusually strong bond" with her best friend. She hooked into that, asking me to clarify. I told her that I didn't have definitive proof, but it seemed that she placed a higher value on their friendship than she did our relationship.
She didn't seem surprised about my difficulty finding jobs in this area, and she even articulated a lot of my worries about my career without me bringing them up first. She seemed to understand where I was coming from and didn't fault me for wanting to take the Online Payment Subsidiary job.
Regarding the question of support. There's no doubt that I'd have to pay child support because I was the major breadwinner of the household. Based on the pay out West, I used a calculator at a state government website to estimate that it could be on the order of $300 a week. She said that a judge probably wouldn't be sympathetic to my wife regarding spousal support, since she is able bodied and has employable skills.
She said that moving out of state would not adversely impact the nature of a separation or a divorce, but it would most likely limit my rights to influence certain decisions, such as religious upbringing, education, and medical decisions.
I asked about the likelihood that my wife would have a case for abandonment, if I decided to move unilaterally. She said as long as I was sending back money to pay the bills and provide for them, there wouldn't be a case. She said I didn't look like the type who was trying to keep money from his wife so he could afford a Porche and a bimbo.
She recommended against filing for a legal separation because in our state, such decrees are valid for only a year. After that, the separation needs to be either dismissed or rolled over into a divorce. You can't renew the separation indefinitely. Another thing that would make a separation undesirable from my standpoint would be that it might give my wife an extra piece of leverage for continued spousal support after the divorce.
She made a good impression on me, seeming concerned about my well being (I probably looked pretty shaken at the time). I also got this vibe that she could be fierce in the courtroom if this got ugly. I don't want to go to war over this, but if my wife decides to go for the jugular, I may need that kind of representation.
Monday, June 04, 2007
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5 comments:
Sounds like you got great advice. So, what's next?
This lawyer sounds like a keeper, with the caveat that there is strong selective pressure for lawyers to be sympathetic towards their prospective clients. I have a couple of questions and comments to add.
First, I am surprised by the calculation that child support would be $300 per week ($1200 per month/$15,000 per year). That strikes me as very low - but was this per child or for both?
A related point is the issue of spousal support. In my limited experience, judges are hard to predict. A close friend of mine, who is a faculty member at a midwestern university and makes slightly more than his ex-wife in salary (she is a staff member at same university but also has a substantial trust fund that so that her combined salary + trust fund exceeds his income), is paying child support to the tune of 10K per year. And he had a good lawyer - by reputation, at least. So I am not sure how far the arguement that your wife has employable skills will go - depends on the skills of her attorney, I suppose.
If you take the job out west and your wife stays yere, what about documentation of how the decision for her to stay was made? Seeing the (il)logical jumps that your wife makes, I think you should be very careful about having evidence that it was HER decision to stay behind, not your decision to abandon her and the children. Maybe questions for a follow-up appointment with the attorney?
It strikes me that you are still entangling the decision to move with the decision of what to do about your marriage. (quantum entanglement, anyone?) I think pulling these strands apart will help clarify the situation. My own reading is that you have already come to the decision that you need to divorce your wife. And you have come to the decision that you need to pursue other career options beyond your current job. These are separate decisions and should be kept so, in my opinion.
Finally, I am very curious to hear what your therapist has to say at this juncture - particularly regarding your relationship with your kids. What the lawyer did not point out is that moving out of state will not only influence your right to participate in certain decisions, but will also impact the quality of the relationship that you have with your childern. The issues she raised (religious training, medical issues) have little to do with the day-to-day interactions between parent and child.
Just found your blog. There are many Very Good Things here.
This sounds like a very painful situation for everyone. I hope you manage to come through it with your sense of self intact!
Huh.
I'm glad you found someone who seems sympathetic to your plight. That can be important. Remember though that your lawyer is your Counselor at Law, and not your counselor. Be sure to keep them separate in your mind.
Your child support figure doesn't surprise me, although no one can calculate what that figure would be without knowing a number of variables which you're not about to share in this arena.
Are you sure you haven't confused your "rights" to impact those decisions with your "ability" to impact them? That you'd have a right, in a situation with joint custody and primary physical placement in one parent, seems clear enough. The practical effect of being 2000 miles away though, can't be overstated.
Finally, I'd advise you to ignore any thoughts, whether your own or those of others, to "get nasty" or "go for the jugular." They'll be seen for what they are, attempts (almost always) to use kids or money for emotional leverage. You'll share these kids with her, and their kids, and hopefully their kids, with this woman for as long as you live. Stick to the high road, no matter what, and you'll always be glad you did. Those kids will know it, sooner or later, and they'll respect you for it.
There's a difference between sticking up for yourself, and "going for the jugular" and I trust you know what it is. And that she does too.
I'm glad you liked the lawyer you met, and it sounds like you got some good information (the insight about the legal separation sounds especially valuable).
These are big decisions you're agonizing over. If you don't take this job, I think you'll be able to find another out West (the economy is definitely up in the tech sector). I suspect you'll feel a lot better once you've made some decisions.
As for the comment about counselor at law vs. counselor: there's always a blur there. There is a very good novel to that point, "Lying on the Couch" by I. Yalom. When I practiced law, I definitely was sometimes handholding & counselling in more than a legal way. There's definitely a transference phenomenon in the attorney-client relationship.
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